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While it is true that Hellmann’s Real Mayonnaise could serve as a late night snack as a stand alone, my dad was a gourmet. Hellmann’s was the star, but the accompaniments served a grand purpose as well. The major accompaniments are total fat additives and mayonnaise delivery systems. The minor accompaniments add spice and heat, clearing nasal passages and dilating blood vessels to maximize blood flow. The whole is a grand taste orchestra with wonderful medicinal benefits.
Major Accompaniments
Deli Sliced Pork Baloney [minimum of three (3) slices]
Deli Sliced Swiss Cheese [minimum two (2) large slices]
Minor Accompaniments
Green Onions [minimum of four (4)]
Mustard Pickles, preferably Hot
Spicy Pickled Veg. [Giardiniera or Piccalilli are acceptable substitutes]
Pepperoncini [properly drained as shown below]
Now the key. THE ASSEMBLY.
Sure, it’s good to gorge on great food at 2:00 A.M. with a snootful. Any fool can do that. But to gorge with style and grace while seeing double is a thing all unto itself. These ingredients are a masterpiece. Proper assembly is a thing of utter genius.
Slather a healthy portion of Hellmann’s cross the middle of each bologna slice. Not too much now as these slices will be carefully rolled.
Next, carefully roll the bologna slice perpendicular to the Mayo swash.
Slather an extra thick portion of Mayo across the entire breadth and width of each cheese slice. Spread to each edge to a recommended thickness of 2X the cheese thickness. Use measuring stick if uncertain.
Slice each cheese slice into thirds for easy hand to mouth transition.
Trim green onions leaving plenty of green. Add salt to taste.
Drain Pepperoncini. Nobody likes pepper juice sogging up a delicious plate. And nobody likes hot pepper juice squirting into your already blurred eyeball at 2 A.M. The trick is to drain the peppers. Take a knife and, holding the pepper over a sink, make a quick painless vertical slash. Allow the juices to drain. The pepper is now ready for consumption.
Artfully distribute mustard pickles and pickled vegetables. Add a dollop of Hellman’s to the platter center for dipping.
So there you have it. There is ongoing debate about the proper way to eat Bud’s Midnight Munchie Platter. But our experts here at Hangover Kitchen recommend a deliberate oscillation between fat and spice. A bite of bologna dipped in Mayo followed by a bite of green onion. A wedge of Mayo Swiss followed by a mouthful of pepper. And so on. Take your time. Enjoy. And know you’re not only satisfying your ridiculous hunger but your making it slightly more probable that you’ll make it to work 5 hours from now.
I ate this meal on the lap of my father countless times. I will wish that your children will be so lucky.
We’re thrilled when our recipes taste great. But every once in a while a recipe not only tastes great but aims for a higher purpose. When we find that recipe we’re not just thrilled. We’re over the moon grateful. Bud’s Midnight Munchie Platter will have you on your knees in thanks. Or at least on your knees. We promise.
Here’s what we all know. There are those times when the night went too long. Too many lies were told, too many songs were song, too many rounds were bought. We somehow find our way home in the early hours of the following day with an awareness of two things: we’re ravenously hungry and we’re set up for an incapacitating hangover in just a few hours. What to do?
Well I’ll tell you what my dad did. On those long nights when Union Hall shouting spilled over into smoke filled sessions at the 218 Tavern, raspy throats and bruised egos were soothed with Iron City Beer and Imperial Whiskey. Lots of it. And there is no hangover on earth to compare with those head splitters fueled by Imp and Iron. How do you satisfy late night cravings with exquisitely tasteful food while achieving a nearly miraculous medical objective? This was his secret, now passed along to you.
This is the star of the show, of course. The high fat content of mayonnaise tastes great but also coats the stomach, allowing for controlled alcohol absorption.
~ Albert W. Scovern, PHD
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